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Monday, October 08, 2007
Life is hard at the moment. Even though I'm surrounded by people... I still feel on the outside. Is it my age? Is it because I don't stick with certain groups and try to make sure I get along with everyone? I miss San Diego. I miss my family there... where I had a group... I had my boys. I know I'm supposed to be here... but its hard when my purpose isn't clear... when I feel alone... when I'm in the "desert". I know the changes I need to make... not necessarily to feel less alone... but moreso what I need to do to get through. I can't make it on my own, this much I know is true. My heart yearns for something more... its on the brink of exploding wanting to know what that may be. Yet life, school, and trivial distractions often make me forget about my heart. I return to the source time and again... just like the Israelites. But I don't want to be like the Israelites anymore. I want to be like Shaddrach, Meshach, and Abendigo... ready, and thrust into the fire immediately. I don't want to wait anymore. Its GO time. Yet, here I am, stuck. I'm in a weird mood. Which is probably a good reason why I'm even typing my thoughts out on the internet. I long for companionship... whether that be in the form of a good brother or sister... doesn't matter. I want to be known again... to be affirmed, to be encouraged, and to press on toward things that are greater than myself. I'm tired, yet energized. I feel alone, though I am not. Though I search, I am fulfilled. Time seems to fly, yet my heart is standing still... waiting. Its the beginning of another long week... and in a blink of a moment, it will be Sunday night and I will be getting ready for another week. I want more than what my life is at the moment. "All night, all day... I feel your touch, I feel your love. Its your love that makes things right... its your love that holds me tight." - Found Someone, Shaded Red xxx Wednesday, July 04, 2007 I can't even begin to explain how I feel. Coming home yesterday and seeing Mom for the first time since she's completely lost her eyesight... was HARD. I broke down a little bit during lunch, so in a weird way, it was good that she couldn't see me. She felt my hair and said, "Good, its short! You look good when your hair is short." I helped her unpack and re-pack last night as she just left this morning to speak at another conference. The packing process was arduous, but her memory was very good in the fact that she remembered what most of her clothes looked like. The difficulty was in my part trying to find exactly what she was talking about! This morning consisted of making sure we had everything she needed in her suitcase). I could see the frustration on her face of knowing all that she was capable of if only she had her sight. I made her breakfast, which was oatmeal with cranberries and dates, and also blended up some oj with some salad (she said she hasn't been eating enough veggies... especially now that its dad and Caleb figuring out the meals... think how single bachelors eat). Its redeeming knowing that this was what she has done for me all my life, yet now, the roles are reversed. I write all this not to say how "good" a son I am... but to show that she only has God and her family to depend on. In the end, in her darkness, really, she only has Jesus. I was writing to a friend yesterday about my time with Mom as well. I wrote that it broke my heart that she wouldn't be able to see the woman that I marry or my kids one day. Later while in bed, I realized how much that is a lie from satan. God is a sovereign God... He is faithful... and as it says in Psalms 81:10, "I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." He will bring mom out of her desert place and fill her mouth with the promise of His abundance. Mom always shouts outloud praises whenever she is frustrated or down. She often encourages me to do the same. I want to encourage you as well... when things aren't going right, when the day seems too long, when you're waiting and waiting on God to show you His will and you're running out of patience... praise the Lord and proclaim His goodness! "You give and take away You give and take away Yet my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name..." xxx Thursday, June 21, 2007 Beggars can't be choosers... or can they? I went down to pb/mission beach yesterday for an evening run. While parking I spotted a bum rummaging through the trashcans looking for food. "Hey buddy! You hungry?" I asked. "Of course I am," he replied. I offered him a delicious white peach and a hard-boiled egg. I was met with, "What am I supposed to do with that? That's not enough!" Shocked by his response, I continued to lace up my running shoes. I saw this as analagous to God's gift of salvation to us. He offers it... and like the white peach and egg... it is life-giving, nutritious, and sustaining. Yet in our human nature, we think we know best, think we need more... when in reality, there is no other substitute, it is all we need. The run was refreshing. A beach run ranks in my top 5 lifetime loves. I feel it is one of the easiest times to connect with our creator, our father. Your body is in motion... knees are bending, feet are planting... lungs pumping that salty sea air in and out... all the intricate details of your body are working together. At the same time, the waves are crashing... the wind is blowing... the sun is peeking through the clouds. Sometimes I run with my arms straight out to my side. Wings. Then, I close my eyes, and keep on running. Speaking of the ocean and waves... I seem to blog in them... in waves that is. haha. xxx Wednesday, June 20, 2007 I don't know how people do it. How they sit at a job they hate... endure it for 20, 30 years... and at the end of those years, look themselves in the mirror and be satisfied? I finished my pre-requisite courses for grad school, at the local jc, back in May. After a fun jaunt to the beautiful, luscious state of Washington, I found myself back in sunny San Diego with no immediate responsibilities. So I called up a temp agency which pretty much found work for me the very next day. For the past 3 weeks I have been doing accounts payable and accounts receivable for the Doubletree Hotel in Del Mar. It definitely has its perks as 1. I'm making money (wow, shouldn't be a novel concept... especially for a 28 year old. HA!) 2. They provide lunch (yes its free!) every day. For those that know me... single man + free food = HUZZA! But as my 3 weeks are coming to an end this Thursday... these are some of the thoughts that came to me... How sad it is to not know what you were created for, what you were fashioned out of earth to do! How futile it is to not know the deepest desires of your heart, your passions, your strengths! How horrible to have to sludge through each workday! In my 3 weeks here, I've felt myself... "die" inside (a little overly dramatic, but true nonetheless). Not that I'm not good at what I do. I am... inputting numbers, having one project/task to complete after another, reconciling bills and payments. These things suit the activator in me. But at the same time, just because I'm good, does it mean I'm passionate or feel alive doing it? NO. I crave interacting with others, not sitting in front of a computer screen all day. I crave developing people... to their potential, to help them realize how much more able they are than they see themselves. The ultimate example of someone hating their job, and therefore their life, was my last roommate: Bill. Bill was a great guy. He was helpful whenever someone was in need and had a sense of humor and wit that none in our group of friends rivaled. BUT, he hated his job. His personality is more of the silent/observer type. Yet his job was customer service... helping troubleshoot insurance claim computer software. This meant that he was on the phone all day - exactly contradictory to the person he is! It went against his nature! He would come home from work, head down, completely DRAINED. Yet he stuck with it for 2-3 years. Why? Maybe because he didn't trust God to direct his path? Maybe he was too caught up with what society "expected" of him? I don't know... all I know is when you hate your job, you hate life... when you have passion and love what you do, whatever it is you do doesn't even seem like work. (Addendum: Bill quit his job beginning of this year and has since embarked trip, aboard a dual-sport motorcycle no less... venturing down into Mexico and as far as Central and South America. He is living what he loves... traveling and motorcycles. Seeing the words that he's written and the pictures he's posted up, he is indeed a happier man.) Speaking of passion... and loving what you do... I've often thought about our passions for the kingdom. This quote has been on my mind recently, and is directly applicable to my spiritual walk as well as my career path: "Lovers always outwork workers." - Mike Bickle of IHOP (International House of Prayer). This is what my boy Jaeson Ma has to say about how we should live as God's people: "Lovers Always Outwork Workers - We are not workers first. If we see "revival or transformation" as some kind of end vision we must work for, then we have already been deceived by the Devil. We can receive prophecies all day long and chase them for the rest of our lives and not get one step closer to God. The goal is not to get to the prophetic destination, the goal is to enjoy God and one another along the journey to that destination. We must daily learn to rejoice in the here and now, to remember daily the JOY of our salvation by meditating on JESUS' LOVE FOR US, by always going back to the simple Gospel. We are lovers first and workers second. Intimacy is the birthplace of miracles. We must pursue LOVE, God is love, we are not to pursue REVIVAL or prophetic revelations. When we pursue Christ and live to walk in Christ, revival will automatically flow and be evident to all. We can't fulfill the Great Commission, unless we first fulfill the Great Commandment, that is to love God by enjoying Him forever!" AMEN! xxx Wednesday, April 04, 2007  this made me happy today. xxx Sunday, April 01, 2007 i feel affirmed. that is the word that resonates within me from these past couple of weeks. first of all, i've never felt this loved, for having been born into the world. my birthday celebration turned out to be a week long event, where friends continually showed their love and care for me through phone calls, text messages, dinners, and presents and simply spending time with me. i am blessed. i feel affirmed. starting this past thursday through saturday, i attended SOMA - which is the greek word for "body" - a conference put on by my church. the conference's goal was to give everyone a vision for the world and our place in it. before attending the conference, everyone took personality and strengths tests. i am an ESFJ for personality: E - extroversion - people who tend to focus their attention on the outer world of people and things. S - sensing - people who tend to take in information through the five senses and focus on the here and now. F - feeling - people who tend to make decisions based primarily on values and on subjective evaluation of person-centered concerns. J - judging - people who tend to like a planned and organized approach to life and prefer to have things settled. for my strengths-finder test, my top five were: 1. empathy - You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicament-this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings-to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you. 2. developer - You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth-a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of "flow" where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments-invisible to some-are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you. 3. activator - "When can we start?" This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that "there are still some things we don't know," but this doesn't seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can't. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you. 4. harmony - You look for areas of agreement. In your view there is little to be gained from conflict and friction, so you seek to hold them to a minimum. When you know that the people around you hold differing views, you try to find the common ground. You try to steer them away from confrontation and toward harmony. In fact, harmony is one of your guiding values. You can't quite believe how much time is wasted by people trying to impose their views on others. Wouldn't we all be more productive if we kept our opinions in check and instead looked for consensus and support? You believe we would, and you live by that belief. When others are sounding off about their goals, their claims, and their fervently held opinions, you hold your peace. When others strike out in a direction, you will willingly, in the service of harmony, modify your own objectives to merge with theirs (as long as their basic values do not clash with yours). When others start to argue about their pet theory or concept, you steer clear of the debate, preferring to talk about practical, down-to-earth matters on which you can all agree. In your view we are all in the same boat, and we need this boat to get where we are going. It is a good boat. There is no need to rock it just to show that you can. 5. relator - Relator describes your attitude toward your relationships. In simple terms, the Relator theme pulls you toward people you already know. You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people-in fact, may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends-but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends. You are comfortable with intimacy. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you them to understand yours. You know that this kind of closeness implies a certain amount of risk-you might be taken advantage of-but you are willing to accept that risk. For you a relationship has value only if it genuine. And the only way to know that is to entrust yourself to the other person. The more you share each other, the more you risk together. The more you risk together, the more each of you proves your caring is genuine. These are your steps toward real friendship, and you take them willingly. looking at these assessment tools, and seeing what my strengths are, and how my personality plays out affirms me. affirms me in the career path that i'm headed - physical therapy... in the things that i'm doing right now, at flood, with community group, with growth group, with my relationships at school and work. most everyone feels comfortable and in a good place when amongst family. family is where you feel you belong. you are affirmed. your family knows who you are, what you bring to the table - whether good or bad - yet love you regardless. i feel like i'm finally at home here in san diego. this church feels like family. leaving in the fall will definitely be bittersweet. xxx Monday, March 12, 2007 lately, i've been struggling with my identity. not the sense-of-self identity (i know who i am) but moreso my identity here in the United States. what do you mean, you may ask? well, i'm begining to realize how much of a diffence skin tone makes here in the U.S. let me give you my "racial history" if you will. from age 3 months until 7th grade, i grew up in a little town 2 hours north of san francisco called petaluma (as my childhood bestfriend caleb likes to say, "you can pet-a-Llama, but you can't petaluma!"). petaluma was, and i still believe is, a predominantly white town. my family along with a few others were the "token asian families". all throughout elementary school, i was deemed the "smart chinese boy", getting enrolled in the G.A.T.E program along with getting pestered constantly by my peers for help with math homework. middle school comes along, and our family moves to palo alto, smack in the center of silicon valley. here, the asian population is 50% or more. thus, i felt more at home, and most of my friends were some sort of asian. next came college. as with any UC school, UCSD is flooded with asians. i went to harvest, an asian church, and i went to AACF (american asian christian fellowship) - go figure. and now our story leads us to post-college. my church, flood, is mostly white people... and yeah, i pretty much only hang out with white people now. i don't know what it is... my take is that my personality meshes better with white people... but at the same time, i still feel out of place quite often... on the fringe... different. well, cuz i am. i'm chinese. back to the identity-crisis. what i've realized is that i have to work harder. i have to work harder at work, to get praise, to get a raise (i.e. - right now at work, people who have worked there less time than i have, get paid more than i do). i have to work harder to get noticed by people, to get people to talk to me, to get a girl! i have to work harder to get results at the gym, and to get people to pass me the damn ball on the basketball court. and all this, i feel, is because of my skin color. white people get things handed to them. they do. i see it so often... as a result, they don't work as hard. feeling this way turns my thoughts to those of other races - african americans, hispanics, arabic, etc. i cannot even imagine the difficulties they are faced with. maybe thats why most of "us" cling to our culture... cling to our language... and stay amongst our own. a prime example are all the FOBS (fresh off the boat - for those who are not familiar) who have been here in the states for what... 8, 10 years, and they still speak engrish. yes, the U.S. is the land of opportunity, but more often than not, that opportunity is for whites... and it is something that non-whites have to claw, scrape and fight with life and limb for. its funny... if i were to go back to china right now, i would be a rockstar. my bro studied in beijing for a year and he said people immediately knew he was american, and at the bars and clubs, girls would walk up and give him their number! yes, it is much easier living in your own country of origin. there is no underlying discrimination because of what you are... so how does this tie in to your life josh? well... for one, i know that i am BLESSED. blessed beyond measure. i'm educated... i'm getting more education soon... i am truly in a place that many people would covet. does all this make me bitter? sure, i'm only human. but my faith, hope, and trust is in God... so what do i have to be afraid of? this isn't about me. its about what i can do for His kingdom. God aside, i'm thankful for this perspective. i'm glad that its made me who i am today... one with a strong work-ethic and discipline... and it has helped me learn each and everyday to not take things for granted. seriously, i'm with brangelina on this one. i'm gonna marry a white girl. have one mixed kid, adopt an african american kid, and adopt a mexican kid. if they can't get "equal opportunity" in the United States... at least they can get it at home. xxx Saturday, March 10, 2007 so this phenomenon of cars in front of me, pulling over, and letting me pass, has occurred quite often as of late. i'm like, "gosh darn, thanks for letting me pass, i feel like a king"... not thinking twice about the reasons for which they let me pass. i even smile and wave as i go by these people. today, chuckie g was in my car when this awesome phenomenon happened again. "dude, people keep doing that lately." "what? get out of your way, cuz you're tailgating them?" "really? i'm not that close." "uh, yeah you are... you need to chill and give people more space." O.o its true... i was oblivious until today... i am a tailgater. there i said it. i'll say it again... I AM A TAILGATER. i'm signing up for the next tailgaters anonymous meeting, don't you worry. xxx Wednesday, March 07, 2007 i just got back from getting cookies n' cream ice cream from vons. only $3 for dreyers! score! wow, i haven't written in this thing since november... that makes it almost 5 months. a lot has happened since then... caleb totalled my car in december, and in the process broke his hand. he was planning on traveling to south america beginning of january, so he had to postpone that. praise God he's ok though... it could have been much worse. so not only do i not have my beautiful honda prelude anymore, i actually just sold my motorcycle the other day as well. its true, we as americans have way too much stuff... even though i was sad to see it go, it was time to downsize and pay off some debt. speaking of downsizing, i also pulled out a bunch of clothes from my drawers and closet to see if buffalo exchange (thrift store) down in PB will buy any of it, or just donate it all to goodwill. lets see, what's been going on with me. well, my last post was during my application process to physical therapy programs. got those out in dec., felt good about em. since then, i've heard back from a couple already. i got wait listed at washington university in st. louis, got into mount st. mary's college, and got an interview to duke! its really funny how my choices changed after hearing back from a couple of schools. initially i wanted to go to USC because it was the number 1 school. but as those letters started rolling in, i realized that USC was not a realistic choice. first of all, i didn't want to 'purchase' my degree for $120k. secondly, i hate LA - no if, ands, or buts. i dislike the traffic, the weather, the beaches, the non-existant open spaces. so USC is getting a rejection letter from ME. :D western is on the outskirts of LA... its just hot out there with not much to do, so i'm not too intent on going there either. my top choices now are duke and mount st. mary's. pretty much if i don't get into duke, i'll be in LA. so if you care, you'll know where i am for the next 3 years, haha. i'm ready to leave california for a little bit. as augustana sings in their song boston, "I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset, I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice..." work has been alright. i've been with gaspar physical therapy, working as an aide for over a year now. yes, time does fly. i just had my review yesterday as a matter of fact. they gave me a good review... and even asked for my feedback on what they can do better. i think it shows a lot when people ask for your thoughts. it means they're not so absorbed, or high and mighty, that they're unwilling to see how they can better themselves. i really like those guys that i work with... too bad i'm gonna look for another job soon, especially since they can't pay me much, and i am seriously in need of cashola. maybe they'll hire me when i get out of school, that would be nice. speaking of school. i don't like it. community college has such a high school feel to it. its not like UCSD where you can ditch class and learn the material on your own. they take attendance, and you have to sit through 3 hours of "lecture" when you could practically read and understand it all in an hour, at home, by yourself. i guess i shouldn't complain, considering so many people want to get an education but can't... yet i'm privileged enough to not only go to college but now get a PhD. why am i such a dolt? the other thing about school is... i'm unmotivated. i'm taking a child psychology class required for admissions by mount st. mary's and microbiology for duke. knowing that i can eventually drop one of these classes once a decision can be made between the two schools doesn't help at all. lets just say i am being an all-around mediocre student at best. what else what else... Oooo church. church has been the highlight of my year so far. i really love Flood (http://www.diveintoflood.com/). i started serving with the children's ministry the beginning of the year... the 2-5 year olds... and let me tell you, i look forward to those kids every single week. joey is a rambunctious 4 year old... he's always doing silly things and making faces. i would have to say our favorite thing to play is cars and go-fish. my other favorite would have to be kenny. i think he's not quite 2 yet. but i'm pretty much his go-to guy when he needs to go potty. HAHA - he's so hilarious. he doesn't say yes or no... he only says 'k'. *tugs on my arm* kenny: "potty." me: "kenny you need to go potty?" kenny: "k" me: "you need to go peepee or poopoo?" kenny: "poooooooooottty" and the great thing with kenny is that he is so well trained. so after he poops, he'll come off the toilet and he'll place both hands on the ground with his bum in the air. HAHA. cuz he wants me to wipe. if you don't get the picture, think airport security... spread em partner! (: sooooo cute. then there's blond haired blue eyed 2 (maybe 3?) year old harrison. his favorite thing to do with me is read. its the best when he grabs the books and saunters into my lap, and we read through arthur's counting book and arthur's gerbil. he also likes to take phat dumps in his diaper and wanting only his dad to change it. wow, look what i saved for you daddy! haha. sunday mornings of Jesus, coloring, duck-duck-goose, singing, building skyscrapers, putting cars through the gas station and car wash, and getting hugs are truly the best. :) community group has also been a blessing to me as well. i made a commitment to go every single tuesday starting the beginning of this year. i don't think i've missed one just yet. there's something about commitment... it definitely helps you get to know people better... and even better, lets whoever you're committed to know that you care. i've been blessed with so much in return... prayer, good laughs, serving the ocean beach community together, watching 'heroes' every monday night together, its been a blast! another answered pray for mine is for a good group of christian guy friends. i met my buddies jon and andy on a tijuana house building trip a couple of months back, and because of them, now its the 6 of us - jon, andy, marc, ryan, scott, and me. its been awesome just to see where each of us are in our walks with God, our lives, our relationships, etc., and how God sovereignly brought us all together. we meet every thursday nights... i'm already looking forward to tomorrow. its crazy... if you were to drop in on us... you would think we were a bunch of girls, chatting our heads off, and spilling all the things on our hearts and minds. but mind you, we are definitely the cream of the crop when it comes to good looking, atheletic, humorous, Jesus-is-my-homeboy men. haha, how humble of me. but it is so refreshing to know that there are other christian brothers out there who yearn for intimacy, accountability, and the ability to... share. 3 out of the 6 of us are single... just so you ladies know. (: God. yes, what has He been doing in my life. honestly... i still have so much work that needs to be done on me. i feel so caught up... caught up in MY life. in what i want, in what i need, in what MY hopes, MY aspirations, MY dreams are. and being human, its only natural to feel this way. yet, every once in a while (more like every other day), i catch myself... and i step back, and i realize how futile it is to pursue the things that i want. i want to go to PT school because i know that it is God's calling on my life... and my strengths will cater to those broken and hurt and downcast. yet i often lose sight of that... i get distracted by the doing... the getting into school... how much money i'll make when i get out... what car i'm gonna buy, etc. i lose sight that my life is to glorify God in all that i do. and whenever i lose sight... my life seems to go out of control... because i'm trying to control it. whenever the Holy Spirit gently nudges me back... life seems so much easier again. i need prayer... my biggest thing right now is a lack of spiritual discipline. i've always prided myself in being one of discipline... but lately, due to sickness (excuse) and busy-ness of school (another excuse), i haven't been reading the word or waiting on God's presence consistently and passionately. i've been standing God up a lot. thankfully He is a God of grace and love. those are one side of His character... but the other side is that He is all powerful, just, and an all-consuming fire. thats something that i've been struggling with lately. the concept of fearing Him. in proverbs 1:7 it states, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." i just can't wrap my mind around it. A.W Tozer also writes, "The greatness of God rouses fear within us, but His goodness encourages us not to be afraid of Him. To fear and not be afraid - that is the paradox of faith." i agree with that statement completely... i simply find that i hold on more to his compassion and mercy than actually FEARING Him. i want that fear. i want to fear and not be afraid. i pray that He shakes me up... so that every decision i make in this short life will be one that is out of respect, reverance and for His glory. my biggest struggle right now is loneliness. the 20's just aren't as cracked up as they seem to be. yes, i have no responsibilities other than taking care of myself... but i often feel the need to care for someone else, and naturally, have someone care for me in return. i know God made that a big part of my nature. more often than not, i get to know a girl, and the more we hang out, the more i see that she's not right for me. i don't want to say that they have 'flaws'... but deep down, i know they don't "complete" me, as cheesy as it is to say. its especially hard since i'm approaching the big 3-0. and often times i'm tempted to 'settle'... but thank goodness for gut-checks and good advice from the guys. its hard for me to actually picture myself with anyone... i'm still praying for that girl that loves Jesus more than i do, that has a heart for people and children, that will get along with my parents (especially my mom), that is active and crazy and loves me for me. like tim allen said in galaxy quest, "never give up, never surrender." right? easier said than done. my biggest worry right now is mom. her eyesight is pretty much gone. she can see lights and darks, and contrasts... but everything else is a blur. i don't really know what i feel or how to feel. her tumor has been an 8 year long on-going trial. i'm thankful i got to walk and talk with her during a beach stroll this past monday. her faith is incredible... she says she has never even had a thought of despairing. on one hand, i can't help but worry, as her son... for her safety getting around the house, etc.. but on the other hand, i cannot deny her faith and what God has done to her, through her, and is doing even now. i believe in His healing and i proclaim with praise, His promise of healing to her. i guess my emotions can only be up in the air as we wait... this is crazy. my life is crazy. looking back on just a year ago... (wow, seems way longer than that) i see how my life has changed. my priorities are different. my loves are different. simple things bring me joy again. even so... life still has its peaks and valleys. the valleys just don't seem as deep anymore, and the peaks... though the climbs are strenuous... the views at the top are spectacular. they've always been... i've just never noticed until now. xxx Tuesday, November 21, 2006  school apps, due 12/1. 'nuff said. please pray for me. xxx |
 name: joshua chiu age: 28 birthdate: march 26, 1979 height: 6 feet weight: 172.5 lbs. location: san diego, ca loves: God, family, kids, motorcycles, sports, music, deep-meaningful relationships, competition over video games, food - any and all |