.::rEtrO tImEs::.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

augh. i'm so bored and frustrated with life right now. its not that things aren't good... its just so hum-drum... so consistent... so boring in a sense. i dunno. i just need some excitement in my life. the big thing for me right now is that i want to be married, i want to have a family, and i want to have kids. in the back of my mind these three things will be the things i look forward to after work... these things will somehow 'satisfy' me. of course... only God can satisfy my deepest desires... but to me these are the things i believe will fill the core of my "human contentment". i know now is not the time... and so, i will be patient in that.

this is truly the point in my life where i'm asking, "is this all there is to life?" not in a depressed-i-want-to-commit-suicide kind of way... but just the self-introspective-look-into-my-life kind of deal. i think a lot of this has to do with my job. its a good job. i'm so thankful and blessed to have it. yet it doesn't challenge me. i don't look forward to coming in. i do what i have to do and then try to get out as soon as possible. perhaps its the lack of fellow-aged co-workers. perhaps i'm not making the effort to get to know the people that are here? but heck... most of them are 27 and older, have families to go home to, and just old enough so that our interests do not coincide. this thing is such a dilemma... because to basically survive in this world, you need money, and to get money, you need a job. i would look for another job... but its so stable here. am i willing to give up this financial security to pursue the things i love? then the question becomes, what are the things i love? i don't know. i'm not sure how to go about figuring that out either. argh!! *pulls hair out* i wish i was still in school... simply having things i "need to do" laid out in front of me. its funny how that is... how i am... how i'm the type of person who prefers to just follow a pre-set path. not to say that i'm one to get run over by others or what pre-set paths they have for me. i just find comfort in knowing what i have to do, then go about doing it.

i miss my homies too. pete-dawg and e-double-g. we pretty much haven't hung out much since our high school days, yet those two guys are the ones i find most comfort and joy in. we're much alike in our ideals and wants and desires... yet so different in our interests, activities, and funky ways. i wish we could all live together... that would be such a blast. i do have some good buddies around... but its different when they're living elsewhere... having their own jobs, studies to do. *sigh* yes, i guess i just miss college life. or maybe not seeing lindie for 2 weeks has something to do with this. *shrug*

i suppose the things i'm looking forward to right now are (ordered by date): dinner with addison thursday, lunch with yvonne sat., bonfire with mike lum & co. sat. night, lindie finishing her RA training, going up north for zoe's 1st birthday, the holidays (thanksgiving, christmas), then hawaii in december. i'll look forward to next year's stuff next year.

joshua @ 10:49 AM | archives | aim | email | 0 comments

xxx

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