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Wednesday, November 27, 2002
God, i'm sitting here at work... surfing the net as i always do. i stumble across several people's weblogs and i read. i see their desire and passion for knowing you better... i see their daily struggles in pleasing you, in living, doing, breathing for your glory. i look at myself... i don't see the same. why Lord? why am i so complacent? why does reading your word come as something i just do? a thing of discipline that starts my morning... nothing more, nothing less. i yearn to be passionate about something. if anything... it should be you. i just feel so stuck Lord. stuck in a rut. a rut that is life. work work work on the weekdays. go to church on sunday. try to be the good son, brother, boyfriend during the week. it has gotten old so very fast Lord. i yearn for relationships. i am thankful for your blessing of linda in my life... yet at times i still feel utterly alone. maybe its just post-college life, i don't know... i just see other people and the close bonds that they have, and i wish for the same. i wish for a group of brothers and sisters who i can always count on being there... whom i want to share, and in return, want to share the same experiences with me. Lord, i just feel like i'm losing this battle. whatever it may be. this battle of living. in the end, i am thankful for EVERYTHING you've provided me with... but right now i wish for more. i don't want to sit through sunday services unmoved or untouched anymore. i don't want to be unconvicted of things i should be convicted about. i don't want to be bored - i want to constantly find new things to learn, to experience, to love. i don't want to feel as if i'm not doing things right in your eyes. i don't want to be unknown. but then again, i don't want to be known for any other reason than You. i don't want to feel as if this is all there is to life... i know there's more! but where do i start looking? can you help me? direct me? guide me? i know what i do want. i want passion Lord. passion for you, for what is right, for building people up, for loving the unloveable, for my family. i want people to know you through me. yes, even though i can't say i am at that place where i know you intimately... that is my end desire. i want people to put aside all their 'if's' 'but's' and 'when's' and simply allow themselves to be loved by you... to catch one powerful glimpse of who you are. please help me to one day know i've done everything to tell and show who you are. help me not be jaded by this cynical world. yes God, above all else... i want passion. i feel so lifeless without it. people who have passion are happy. they throw themselves entirely into things... and whether the outcome is good or bad they are happy, because it is their passion. people who are passionate about work will never find a dull moment in their day. people who are passionate about motorcycles love when it breaks down - making them take some time out of their day to fix and tinker with it. people who are passionate about family never pass up a moment to be with their loved ones... to talk to them, to listen to them. people who are passionate about you Lord are always seeking your glory, seeking to please you, seeking to know you. i suppose i am just a simple man... passionate for gaining passion. above all these rants and ravings... i am thankful, Lord. for your grace and mercies that are new every morning. for even allowing me to entertain the fact that you are my father and i am your child, and that you only desire good things for my life. thank you for my family, my job, my girlfriend, my health. thank you for allowing me to be the sinful being through which your glory may shine. thank you for teaching me what a child is meant to be. "In my weakness I find
And I am falling into grace again
xxx Tuesday, November 26, 2002 DANGIT! i feel gipped. my bike is still leaking oil. so i brought the bike into the yamaha shop last week because i noticed it was leaking. so on top of that the mechanic advises that i do a 12,000 mile service while i was at it. so i get the bike back... dang! it runs sweet! but then i just noticed today that its still FREAKIN' LEAKING! what the heck dood?! so i call the mechanic... and he's like, well... you asked us to 'advise' you... you didn't actually ask us to fix it. bastard. he didn't say it in one of those mean derogeratory terms... but still... i feel gipped. so the part that's needed is like $3.78... and labor is $65/hour. if you took the bike apart to 'advise' on the leak... why the heck didn't you just put on the $3.78 part for me? dang i'm pissed. so now i have to go back there and buy the part. then have a friend put it on for me. so now i ask myself... did he do this to me on purpose... slyly deceiving me with words. or is this simply how people do business these days? JACKALS! xxx Friday, November 22, 2002 do you know someone who makes a big deal over everything? who goes overboard for even the littlest things? well there's this manager guy like that here at work. i wish he would just chillax sometimes... you know what i'm sayin' holmes? just kick back and smile big boy! *grrrrr* yeah... i always deal with him politely... but deep down i just wish he'd go away and chill somewhere by himself. man, hombre gotta stop stressin'. he's not very well liked by a lot of people either. i suppose what i'm learning from this situation and reminded of is to be "... slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen." yes, i believe that's it. xxx Tuesday, November 19, 2002 new scanned pictures! enjoy! :D lin&me zoegirl xxx Thursday, November 14, 2002 i'm sick today. i started feeling the effects of nausea and wanting to vomit last night. i called in sick for work... and i ended up sleeping until 12:30-1ish today. it was nice to finally sleep in for once... even though my body wasn't feeling up to par. there's just something about being sick that makes me want my mommie. or just someone to care for me. yes, it doesn't matter that i'm 23... that i'm a grown man... that i can pretty much take care of myself on my own. its just reassuring to have mom around telling you that everything will be ok. i'm glad i got to stay home for once. i finally got around to cleaning my dirty nasty pigsty room. yep... put away all my clean laundry. folded up all the clothes that were strewn all over the place. as i was putting all of my clothes away... i couldn't help but notice the fullness of my closet. the abundance of all clothing... colors from blue to yellow to green to grey. from sweater, to casual polo, to dressy dress shirts. i have so much in abundance, when all i really need is something to keep me warm when its cold. being sick isn't pleasant. i think its especially the case for me since i hardly get sick. and i'm thankful for that. i can't even begin to imagine someone who is bed-ridden or house-ridden because of sickness. every move or even a thought of moving is plagued by an overwhelming feeling of uneasiness. you want to feel better. you want to be able to eat that delicious carl's junior double western burger being advertised on tv... but your stomach will make you throw it up. the nba games on tv make you want to head to the gym to play ball... yet the simple task of getting up or taking a step adds to the building nauseousness that is your sickness. talking to the ones you love, you wish to be near them... yet you're confined by how your body feels and knowing that you'll only make it worse by making that trip, that journey to see them. sickness is unforgiving... yet refreshing when you come out of it. when you're finally able to do all the things you wanted to do while sick. so many things i take for granted. so much i don't give enough thanks for. seems there are only 3 gratifying things to soothe all pain: water, tv, music. water - because that is the only thing that soothes the heating body... only thing that your body accepts without the thought of rejecting. tv - because you don't do anything physical... you only process with your eyes and your brain - two things not affected by sickness. unless you're having a high fever and hallucinating or something. :D and lastly music. i haven't enjoyed music for a long time. its probably cuz i'm never home... but nothing beats just putting on those headphones... and just pumping it up. i dunno why. i've written a grip... mostly just about being sick. but i don't feel like not typing yet. its so strange. i don't know what's strange... just thought that was an appropriate thing to type. i like typing. maybe cuz its one of the few things i'm quite good at. i hardly ever make any spelling mistakes. i can type with ease. my fingers are never searching for the right keys. it just come naturally. that's weird huh... how come some things come naturally for me and not for others, and vice versa. why is it like that? i suppose God just wanted to make us the different multi-talented people that we are. justin was over today... and he said that one of friend's just became a rock star. he just got signed by a record label. his name is bryan todd. sure... we've all heard of eminem... or jennifer lopez... or any artist/actor's rise to fame. but isn't it weird to just suddenly have your dream of making it big come true? i hope my dream will come true one day. and when it happens, i will truly bask in it... soak it all in... and of course give God the glory He deserves. i was just thinking about this the other day... about jennifer lopez and ben affleck. i remember when ben affleck was a 'nobody'. not a nobody... but a 'nobody' in the entertainment sense. and look at the guy now! he's freakin' engaged to j. lo. that's just trippy. how one day you're just average joe shmoe. then you make a good movie. then you start making millions. then you start dating hot girls who also make millions. then you're marrying j. lo with her lovely insured back bottom. i would totally be taken aback if i were to just stop and think about how my life has changed. i kind of wish for a change like that. i like change. i don't like monotony. yes its secure... i like the secure aspect of it... but i want excitement! romance! lights! camera! action! hahaha... sorry i got a little carried away there. oh man... i love this song. tony bennett - the way you look tonight. *sigh* i was talking to linda tonight. and life is just so draining for her right now... because of many reasons. and she said, "i just wish sometimes the world would just disappear... and everything in it... and its just me... sittin there... with my eyes closed... floating perhaps..." yeah i feel like that at times too. anyways... the point i was gonna make was that the tony bennet song would be perfect for that occasion. (: yeah i don't really know what i'm writing anymore. but tonight is just different. just want to type. just want people to listen. just want someone to tell me they feel the same. actually i don't know what it is i want. i'm just blabbing. its funny too. people i don't know might actually read this whole nonesense rambling. oh right... another random interjection. of course i'm sick. so of course i was on my back on the couch watching tv all day long. somehow we're getting HBO. and somehow i caught the tom hank marathon today. didn't watch it... but cast away was on first. then it was big. then was forrest gump. big and forrest gump are such classics. i remember crying and crying at the movies during forrest gump when he was standing at jenny's grave, talking to her. i love that movie. i think the movies i love and enjoy the most are those that ellicit my feelings from me. those that reach down and touch me. those that remind me i'm human... that connects me with how the character or another human being feels. yes... i believe that's when i am most happy. even though i may be crying... even tho i may be surprised... that is when i'm most happy. i'm most happy when my feelings are at their extreme. i'm most happy when i feel and know exactly what and why i'm feeling the way i do. like when i'm watching zoe crawl about the house... her gummy little grin... her priceless slow-motion smile when she saw the duck lin and i got for her. i was happy then... because i knew why i loved her... because she was cute, because she was my sister's child, because i can love her and play an important role in her life. i'm happy now just thinking about it. xxx Tuesday, November 12, 2002
i am chinese enrique iglesias! worship me! be my anna kournikova! i am taking submissions! please send email to addy below. xxx Friday, November 08, 2002
this is freakin' hilarious... asian boi's dancing oh... i'm going up north for the long weekend! its zoe's 1st birthday! YAAAY! everyone drive safely in the rain! :P xxx Monday, November 04, 2002 i could not have said it any better... I believe, not because I have seen God with these eyes. I believe, not because I understand how the world works, and think that Christianity offers the best options. I believe, not because I a church has told me what and how to believe.. I believe, because I know in my heart that God has changed me. I look at everything I've done wrong in my life, and I know that if God hadn't stepped in I would be a completely miserable person. That is why I believe. I cannot prove the existence of God with fashionable apologetics. I don't understand how the Holy Trinity works. I'm not sure why certain things happen in this world...but I do know that I have been changed by this unseen God. Because all I am is all He gives to me And all I know is who He is to me. God is good. - edmund to xxx Friday, November 01, 2002 well folks... sorry i haven't posted in a while. not much has been going on. same old smuck. actually life is quite not bad. :D went home on monday for a work meeeting on tuesday... got to see the family. it was so superb. took a walk and ate dinner with mom. stayed over at nia and jonathan's new house... played with baby zoe. she's so big now! took a bunch of pictures and videos... i'll probably post them up some time or another. halloween was uneventful. its getting darker and colder earlier now - i didn't like it at first, but now... i kinda like it. anyways... that's bout it! here's the friday five for today... interesting enough, its on religion. 1. Were you raised in a particular religious faith? yes, i was raised in a christian home. i've been going to church ever since i've been a little tike. christianity as a whole is seen as a religion, but i know it as a personal relationship with my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. 2. Do you still practice that faith? Why or why not? yes, i do still practice the faith. and as the question so aptly put it... it is all about faith - that God exists, that He does love us, that we are sinners, that He sent His one and only beloved son down to earth as a man to die for our sins, rise from the grave 3 days later, and allow for us to have a personal relationship with him along with everlasting life. i still believe because i've experienced God on a personal level. i know the plans He has for my life are only good... and i will be on the receiving end of all His promises as long as i obey what His word (the Bible) commands. 3. What do you think happens after death? we are judged. judged on whether our faith is in God or in ourselves. plain and simple... we are either forever with God (heaven) or eternally separated from Him (hell). 4. What is your favorite religious ritual (participating in or just observing)? worship. there's something about singing praises in unison with others that is calming. i like it because it is a time to reflect on God's blessings on the past and present... as well as giving Him praise and glory that He deserves. 5. Do you believe people are basically good? no, people are inherently sinful... which i don't think is a 'good' thing. :) xxx |
 name: joshua chiu age: 28 birthdate: march 26, 1979 height: 6 feet weight: 172.5 lbs. location: san diego, ca loves: God, family, kids, motorcycles, sports, music, deep-meaningful relationships, competition over video games, food - any and all |
