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Monday, December 09, 2002
my head is starting to hurt whenever i wear my helmet... i think i have too much hair. :\ should i cut it? noo.... wait... yes! hmmm... but i wanna grow a fro! but i think mom and dad as well as linda's parents like it clean cut. last time i was at the chao household... mr. chao said i looked like a bum (in a laughing/joking manner of course... oh wait, maybe he wasn't joking Dx ) i guess we'll see... its been tough these past couple of days. today is better... but saturday wasn't so good. for those of you who don't know... my mom has had a brain tumor for the past 5 years. when she first discovered it... i was just finishing up finals the spring quarter of my sophomore year in college. at that time, she felt that it was God's leading to NOT have surgery... to trust in Him, to rely on Him, that he would provide a miraculous healing. 5 years have passed... after another recent MRI... we've discovered that the tumor has doubled in size. since the first discovery... her left eye has ceased to work. but it was all a surreal experience since she could still function as our mother, still drive herself places, still yell and nag us. but now reality has somewhat set in... she is also losing the vision in her right eye. will she ever see me marry? will she be able to see my children? the biggest question of all, right now... is whether she should operate or not. if God has promised her a physically healing... how come He hasn't come through? if she decides to have her tumor removed via operation... is that a lack of faith in God? or as caleb brought it up... are we just giving the christian answers of "this is God's way, we have no way of explaining it", and are we just blinding ourselves?... allowing situations in our lives to be defined by simple truths of the Bible, such as in jeremiah 29:11? i don't have any answers to all of these questions. i don't know what to do. sometimes i do just want to be bitter at God and at the world for allowing my mom, of all people... to be stricken with this ever growing lump. what i do know is... i've experienced God. i know He is real. He has been real to me in such a way of no denying. He has shown me that often times we only see our way as the right way, as what should happen, instead of seeing how He sees - the end result. i don't know what will happen in the ensuing months. but what i do know, the end result will be one that rings true with the simple truths of God's word. in the end... we will see our pride and our disbelief during the trial, yet along with that... we will be joyous, full of praise, and giving Him the glory He deserves. xxx Wednesday, December 04, 2002 Lord you are so good! i'm so happy! and my joy does not stem from anything of this world... but solely and wholly from you! even though i was lazy in reading your word today... you STILL bless me with such joy... joy that is overflowing into my smile! thank you for a wonderful time of fellowship at ucla's aacf... seeing some people i know, being able to share what you've been doing in my life... and randomly becoming reaquainted with a friend! thank you for displaying your will and your sovereignty these past couple of days... your love for linda and your selfishness in wanting my undevoted love and attention. i am learning so much Lord! thank you for answering my many prayers! thank you for taking me to a higher understanding of your character! please never let me out of your arms. i've known you almost all my life... yet today, yes today, i feel alive in you! you do exist! you do live in my heart! and you love me so incredibly much! now... I KNOW. you are awesome! i'm so happy! i love you! :D xxx |
 name: joshua chiu age: 28 birthdate: march 26, 1979 height: 6 feet weight: 172.5 lbs. location: san diego, ca loves: God, family, kids, motorcycles, sports, music, deep-meaningful relationships, competition over video games, food - any and all |