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Monday, March 24, 2003
i had a pretty decent last couple of days... friday: swan, vinh, linda, and huy took me out to palomino's for my pre-birthday dinner... pre, since they were all either going home or going camping and wouldn't be around for the actual day. it was pleasant and the food was delicious! i had this huge steak... everyone else had seafood with the exception of vinh getting porkchops. i don't like eating pork... but his entree was scrumptious. :D i had signed up a couple months before to palomino's dining club... so they sent me this coupon for my bday - if i bring 1 friend, $10 off... 2 friends, $20... and so on so forth up til $50 being the max. we got $40 off so all in all it was a definitely a bargin. they also had this huge present pyramid for me as well... the boxes opened up in this order: xbox, xbox controller, xbox dvd remote, nba 2003 live game. wow! i was so stunned... it was so unforseen that i was speechless. to all of you that chipped in for my present... you guys are truly the greatest! much love... saturday: i had gone to bed around 1 since after dinner everyone came over to the apartment to throw darts and play with the xbox. but i got up at 6:45 to go riding. it was my first day wearing my new suit... so i was pretty stoked. it took about an hour to get down to ortega hwy 74. its right off of the 5 near san juan capistrano. so those of you who've driven down to sd or frequently travel up and down past through there... it should sound familiar. i met up with a bunch of people and we rode out to meet another group. then we hit up hwy. 234. wow! were those nice roads or what... we even passed by Idyllwild where i remember many a retreats. all in all i rode about 12 hours...400-500 miles on the bike... my butt is pretty iron hard now, and my hand has problem having a firm grip on anything (due to gripping the throttle all day...). here are some pictures of the ride... sunday: just church... had to go into the office early to check on some stuff, cuz they powered down the whole building on sat. needed to turn on the servers, switches, phone systems, yada yada yada. boring stuff. then just watched tv and played xbox the whole day. i'm home alone... NO ONE is around... its not real fun being alone i realized... *sigh* especially playing nba live with no one (vinh) to talk smack to! had a long talk... made some realizations about myself... good ones... went to bed late... this week: not much going on this week... taking wed.-fri. off from work and flying home. i'm really looking forward to that... can't wait to spend some time with family... mom, dad, nia, jon, zoegirl. i'll post pics when i get back. :D xxx Friday, March 21, 2003 this song has been streaming through my head constantly as of late... speaks a lot of what i'm feeling/thinking/hoping... download it... ::daniel bedingfield - if you're not the one:: If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today? If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way? If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all I never know what the future brings But I know you are here with me now We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life? If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? I don’t know why you’re so far away But I know that this much is true We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with And I wish that you could be the one I die with And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with I hope I love you all my life I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? ‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today ‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right And though I can’t be with you tonight And know my heart is by your side I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? xxx Thursday, March 20, 2003 as per request of someone who said i used to blog a lot more... here i is. :D it HAS been a while hasn't it? *shrug* itchy: so its been weird lately. every night... right when i'm about to go shower, all throughout my shower, and after my shower while i'm in bed... i'm itchy. my back is itchy... my chest is itchy... my tummy is itchy. i don't know what it is about this time of the night. hmmm... i'm thinking maybe i'm finally growing back hair? schweet! yeah that's it. cuz my back pores know that they're about to be enlargened by my hot steamy shower, so they start their growth engines, and therefore i get itchy. i'm genius! :D dentist: went to the dentist today. yay! my dentist said my gums keep improving! (: she kept emphasizing the fact that 'home care' is where the battle is fought... half a year cleanings are not nearly enough! thas right! you hear that gums?! anyways... she also said that i have super saliva. i have a good amount of build up under my gums near my roots... and she says it is because my saliva coagulates and hardens so quickly. super saliva! *wahpow!* *squirt squirt* [note: the key to cleaning beneath your gums is with a waterpik, or having your brustles upwards while brushing... or getting one of those smancypancy sonicare toothbrushes (i want one!)] motorcycle: i finally got my 1-piece suit, back protector and boots. they're so schweet! i'll put up pics once i get my new digital camera. haha - oh yeah... i bought a new digicam. so excited! imma have so much fun with it. anyways... i dropped about a grand on all the gear. :\ but now i look like a racer... i'm on my way to actually become one! fast! whoo wee! actually... its more to be fully protected... you know... so i don't go down and become a lame duck. Dx hmmm... i just noticed something. i type like i'm a 15 year old girl. why is that? i'm turning 24 at the end of the month and i still don't write anything of substance on here. life has been different lately... but i'm taking it in stride and running with it. i'm still young... i still have so much to experience, so much to discover, so much more of my faith in God to be tested. the past 2 or so weeks have been enlightening... at times lonely... and more often than not in thought. i'm going home the 25th-30th... really looking forward to that. just spending time with family... getting back to what is most important i suppose. looking forward to catch up with a few old but true high school buddies as well. God is good... all the time... xxx Saturday, March 15, 2003 this past week has been one of the hardest of my life. i guess this is what Jesus meant when He said that we would all have some sort of struggle/persecution on account of Him. i'm glad the week is over... but the weekend has troubles of its own... i give thanks nonetheless. *sigh* xxx Tuesday, March 11, 2003 julie's page, read it. xxx today's utmost for his highest: "Obedience to the "Heavenly Vision" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was not disobedient to the heavenly vision - Acts 26:19 If we lose "the heavenly vision" God has given us, we alone are responsible—not God. We lose the vision because of our own lack of spiritual growth. If we do not apply our beliefs about God to the issues of everyday life, the vision God has given us will never be fulfilled. The only way to be obedient to "the heavenly vision" is to give our utmost for His highest—our best for His glory. This can be accomplished only when we make a determination to continually remember God’s vision. But the acid test is obedience to the vision in the details of our everyday life—sixty seconds out of every minute, and sixty minutes out of every hour, not just during times of personal prayer or public meetings. "Though it tarries, wait for it . . ." ( Habakkuk 2:3 ). We cannot bring the vision to fulfillment through our own efforts, but must live under its inspiration until it fulfills itself. We try to be so practical that we forget the vision. At the very beginning we saw the vision but did not wait for it. We rushed off to do our practical work, and once the vision was fulfilled we could no longer even see it. Waiting for a vision that "tarries" is the true test of our faithfulness to God. It is at the risk of our own soul’s welfare that we get caught up in practical busy-work, only to miss the fulfillment of the vision. Watch for the storms of God. The only way God plants His saints is through the whirlwind of His storms. Will you be proven to be an empty pod with no seed inside? That will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of the vision you have seen. Let God send you out through His storm, and don’t go until He does. If you select your own spot to be planted, you will prove yourself to be an unproductive, empty pod. However, if you allow God to plant you, you will "bear much fruit" ( John 15:8 ). It is essential that we live and "walk in the light" of God’s vision for us ( 1 John 1:7 )." what spoke to me from this... is that i've lost the 'vision' God has for me. i'm just learning again what it means to be obedient to him every minute of every hour of every day... that only then am i giving 'my utmost for His highest' and doing my best for His glory. i've tried to fulfill my vision of what my life must include -- a God-centered romantic relationship. trusting in my own efforts - my actions, my words, my love - to try and make it happen, forgetting that its not even up to me to have this relationship... for my life is not my own. i became too practical... substituting God's vision with my own. only recently have i begun to regain His... but i'm left only to "tarry" faithfully as i wait for this vision to be fulfilled. i am going through a storm. and i do hope that through perserverance, patience, and lots of trust... i do come out 'bearing fruit'. this is my prayer... please pray for me as well... xxx Saturday, March 08, 2003 i feel so lost... i don't know what to do. and even when something pops up into my head, i can't bring myself to go do it. my world is crashing down. its crashing because everything i'm familiar with... everything i've lived for this past year is gone. now i kind of understand what people mean when they say that 'life isn't worth living for'. it might not be that they want to die... or that there's nothing else in their life living for. its simply that everything that they've known AS their life is gone, and can't be lived for anymore. i feel so alone. i know i'm supposed to be trusting in God... knowing for a fact that He's going to take care of me... that He has the best in store for me. i say it... over... and over... and over again to myself... but just like not being able to go out and do something... i can't seem to bring myself to believe it. maybe... one day... but not now. i hurt like someone dear to me has died. for they were once close... so close, and all of a sudden they went away. i don't like that. i don't like gradually forgetting things about that person. how they walk... how they talk... how they smile... the sound of their laughter. there are so many things to remind me of those things... pictures, memories... but none of them compare to the moments when i was there. moments when i was part of that moment... not just remembering it, or looking in on it from afar. i question over and over... why am i the one to go through this. why do i have to make these decisions? why do i feel so much? WHY? WHY???? i'm surrounded by so much... everything from what i'm wearing to what i'm eating... i'm reminded. and it hurts... it hurts so much... because i'm reminded, i remember, but everything seemed like a dream. i can't touch it... i can't feel it anymore... and it hurts. hurts that it is fading from who i am... from what its made me to be. one day... my tears may dry... but my soul, my heart will forever be hurting, will forever be crying. i really don't know if i can do anything anymore. i hate it when people say, "it'll go away with time." i don't want it to. i don't ever want what i'm feeling to go away. if it goes away... i just feel like i'll never be a human anymore. how are you human if you can't feel? how are you human if you're able to just be hurt and move on? i know i'm supposed to go onto the 'next thing' that God's called me to. but if going onto the 'next thing' means relinquishing my feelings... my humaness... ME. do i want to do it? do i want to let go of what has become me? what is tomorrow? tomorrow is just another day... when i lose a part of myself... xxx Thursday, March 06, 2003 i wished it were that simple. xxx |
 name: joshua chiu age: 28 birthdate: march 26, 1979 height: 6 feet weight: 172.5 lbs. location: san diego, ca loves: God, family, kids, motorcycles, sports, music, deep-meaningful relationships, competition over video games, food - any and all |